How I Escaped An Abusive Relationship And Took Back My Power.
When I was in an abusive relationship, I was so stuck inside of my situation, that I just couldn’t see a way out. We had 3 children together and honestly, I didn’t want to become a statistic and have my children grow up without a father. According to the Datacenter.com, 65 percent of African-American children grow up in fatherless homes as well as 41 percent of children that are of two or more races, while the Non-Hispanic/White children have a low rate of 24 percent. My father is African-American and he and his family stepped up and raised me as their own while my biological father of white decent was nowhere to be found.
I truly thought that I could change him and that we could keep our family together. I believed that I was doing the right thing by my children because I thought that not having their father would devastate them. Fortunately, my children never saw their father put his hands on me but they heard the constant arguing and felt the negative energy all around. I wasn’t allowed to work or go to school without him thinking that I was cheating. He would always try to control me but when we were outside in public, around other people, He’d be the most caring, kind, sincere and respectable man to everyone. It was difficult to convince others that he was really just a monster in disguise. I was more afraid to leave him, than I was to stay with him. I had the perception that if I left him, I wouldn’t be able to afford to live on my own and support my children. He didn’t work but he was on disability and received a small check monthly which brought in a little extra income. I also had fears about what others would think of me. Particularly, his family since I absolutely adored his mother and two sisters. I had doubts that his other children (whom I helped raised) from previous relationships, would no longer talk to me and my kids. So I chose to stick it out, and stay. I stayed in a miserable, unhealthy, toxic relationship for 12 years out of pure fear, even though I was putting my safety and well-being in danger daily.
I loved this man with every ounce of myself but I knew that I had to get myself and my children out, It was toxic! I had already had a rough childhood and refused to live the rest of my life like this and I knew god and the universe had much bigger plans for me. The very first step that I had to take was to make a decision. This is by far the most important step of all. I made a conscious decision in my mind and my heart to escape this abusive relationship for good. I did not worry or stress about the after effects such as, “who will watch my children while I work?” “how will I pay my bills all alone?” or “what will I do if I am lonely?”. If you fixate on the what-ifs, you will never leave because there will always be an excuse to stay.
Once I made a final decision to leave, there was no going back for me. I then had to move on to the next step which was to come up with a plan. I could not simply just tell him to “get out” otherwise, he wouldn’t leave and he would also hurt me again. I came up with a solid full proof plan to get away from him. The first part of the plan was to make sure that my children weren’t home. I had planned on sending them to a friends house that lived nearby. I then was going to call the police and tell them that I had “an unwanted guest” in my house who was a danger to me and refused to leave.. I was going to wait outside and once they had him cuffed and taken away, I would go put a restraining order on him (not that their very effective). I’ve had the police come for him several times but this time is different because I made a strong decision and I was serious about keeping it.
My next step was to get my mother on board to help me out with the kids for a little bit while I found a job and started working again. I had lost a lot in the past 12 years such as my license, my work history had gaps, and I knew that it was going to take a lot of hard work, motivation and dedication to pick up the pieces of my life. I needed a plan to follow step by step and tackle my goals one at a time.
After having him removed and placing a restraining order, I found a job at a local fast-food chain called Sonic. My mother stepped up and helped me out so much with watching the kids and also driving us back and forth everywhere we needed to go. I was quickly promoted to Shift Leader and was finally able to start saving a little bit of money. When tax season came, I paid off my Excise Taxes ($1500.00) and went to re-take my permit exam and my road test. I ended up landing another job at a different restaurant down the street so I was now working two jobs and raising 4 children. When the following tax season came along, I was able to finally purchase a used 2006 Pontiac G6 that I actually still have til this day. Words can’t describe the feeling that I had as I reached every single goal I had set in place, one by one.
After some time/ my mother had agreed to allow my ex to visit his children at her house throughout the week while I was at work. She told me not to deny him access to seeing his children because then I would look like the “bad guy” who stopped my children from having a father. She said to let him mess it up on his own. He still visits them though which is good. I didn’t communicate with him for about a year until my mom got very sick one day and she had to stay in the hospital. I ended up having no choice but to come face to face with him because I needed him to watch them at my moms house while she was in the hospital. I will never forget the feeling of awkwardness that I had when I saw him for the first time in a year and a half. It was definitely very uncomfortable to say the least but it wasn’t toxic. We ended up becoming cordial with each other for the kids.
After getting over the hump of awkwardness, things began to get a lot easier and I decided that my next goal was to try to quit smoking. I had tried before in the past but was unsuccessful because I wasn’t truly committed. This time, it was different because once again, I made a conscious decision to quit. After that, the rest was a piece-of-cake.
My next goal that I set for myself was to move into a bigger apartment. We lived in a small 2 bedroom apartment and were overcrowded. Plus I wanted a new place to start fresh and make new positive, happy memories and leave the old, sad memories behind. I was on Public Housing so I simply just kept calling them and bugging them until they finally gave in and moved me into a 3 bedroom.
As for now, I am a Certified Life Coach that specializes in Health & Wellness. My goal is to help others to overcome their fears and live a happier, healthier lifestyle through healing of the mind, body and soul. My children are thriving both physically and emotionally. I plan to take steps to establish my credit score and purchase a house in the near future. We are doing better than ever and I couldn’t have accomplished any of it without the help of my mother, the grace of god, and my own perseverance to never give up! Making life changing decisions can be scary and it’s never easy. We must realize that our current “comfort zone” is only meant to be temporary and that we were meant to continue to grow. If you want changes to come into your life, then you must take that leap. Do not live by fear but rather live by faith that everything will be good in your life if you just make that move. Once you start to gravitate towards positivity, you’ll be amazed at the opportunities that present themselves to you in the process. But it won’t just come to you, you have to do the necessary foot work to get there. What are you waiting for? go reclaim your life!
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